


Damaged Goods

by FiveLeafClover



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Gen, Hurt Ethan, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s29 e05 born lucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2019-05-19 03:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14865347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: Ethan took the car crash and the death of Jeff badly. When he goes back to work, things start to go out of control. (From 2017 me: this is the fic that started it all.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 06/06/18]

The car crash that involved 5 people from the ED and killed a paramedic- Jeff, affected the driver of the vehicle most- unknown to everyone. Ethan Hardy was a promising doctor who had a cool head and a loving heart- even towards his annoying older brother. Ethan's logic was-  _as I was driving the car, it's my fault we crashed, and it's my fault Dixie lost her husband._ He could not convince himself any other way.

He hadn't told anyone this, not even his brother, and why would he? He already thought that they blamed him, why give them the satisfaction of giving in to them. Obviously no one did blame him, but Ethan didn't know this.

Cal had moved in with Ethan, much to Ethan's dismay. His brother was more of the sloppy type, who would go out with a girl- and dump her a week later, and even though he was a bit…stupid, he still looked after his brother- especially since the accident, which, nearly cost Ethan his life. Ethan was Cal's safety net, and he was happy in that knowledge.

A month after the accident, it was time for Ethan to go back to work. He had been trying to forget all about the accident, all about Jeff, and had managed it quite well, along with a couple of drinks every night. He had learnt to drown his sorrows, and managed to hide the evidence from his over-protective brother, quite well if he must say. Cal had no idea of how Ethan felt, or how he was coping. If that was one thing Ethan was good at, it was lying.

* * *

"You ready?" Cal jumped on the sofa next to Ethan, who had a look of worry pasted onto his face. He turned his head towards his brother, smiled, and replied.

"Sure? Why wouldn't I be, Cal?"

"No reason." Cal really had no reason to question his brother, apart from the fact he looked scared. "Cool, er…shall we go then?" Cal continued.

"Yeah, but, I'll walk. I need the fresh air!" The truth was, Ethan couldn't bear to be in a car again. The pure thought made a shiver run down his spine. He hadn't been in a car since the accident, what if it crashes again?

"You don't want to be late on your first day back!" Cal jested, while punching Ethan playfully in the arm.

"We've got loads of time. See you there." Ethan walked briskly out. Cal was left wondering what brought that on. Ethan was a stickler for time, and the truth was, there wasn't much time until he had to be in work. That was when Cal started to notice something strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A review telling me what you thought would be a massive help. I hope to see you next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

Ethan leant back on a brick wall halfway to the ED- trying to slow his breathing down. Was it really a good idea to go back? He couldn't bear the thought of seeing Dixie. He effectively killed her husband, what must she think of him now? Would she hate him forever? Would she blank him? After a few minutes of deep thought, he decided to go back anyway. He needed to make it seem as if nothing was wrong. He continued to lean on the wall, thinking of all he had to do to seem okay. 10 minutes later, he really was going to be late, so ran the rest of the way there.

He rushed into the ED, to various smiles and waves. He ignored them all.

"Dr. Hardy, you're late." Connie's voice became an echo inside his head. He didn't respond. He just strode, into the staff room, and got ready. Determined not to let anything get to him. Not today. He needed to be normal.

"I thought you said you weren't going to be late?" Cal questioned, laughing.

"Leave it, Caleb." Ethan remarked, leaving his brother taken aback as Ethan pushed past him. He walked into the area by cubicles to pick up some patient notes. He just wanted to work. To get back to normal. To forget about Jeff.

"Hey, stranger!" He heard a voice from behind him. It was Zoe. Ethan smiled back- a fake smile. He didn't want to talk. They all must be thinking horrible things about him. About the crash. "Good to see you!" She added.

Did she really think it was good to see me? I killed Jeff! He brushed off this thought, and put it down to kindness.

"You too, Zoe." Ethan smiled again, hoping Zoe wouldn't realise it was fake, but she did- much to Ethan's annoyance.

"Everything okay?" She asked, worried for the young doctor.

"Fine. I really have to work, though." Zoe received the message, and walked off, leaving Ethan to gain strange looks from Rita and Robyn, who were standing mere meters away.

"What!" Ethan nearly shouted at the two nurses before walking past them to a patient waiting in cubicles. He just wanted to go back home. To drown his sorrows in a pint of alcohol- maybe more. He didn't care.

It really wasn't a good idea to be back. He pondered.

"What's up with him?" Rita whispered to Robyn.

"No idea." Robyn replied. Genuinely, she was slightly worried about the doctor. It was his first day back, and he seemed different. She passed it off as the crash having a bad effect on him- as did Rita. Technically, they were right. The crash did have a bad effect on him, but not in the way they thought.

Ethan finished with his patient, and sent her home. He threw the patient notes down on the desk and put his head in his hands, trying to slow down his breathing. It was getting faster and faster, matching his raising heartrate.

"Ethan, you okay?" Lofty asked, scared.

Ethan wasn't expecting this, and nearly jumped out of his skin. "Get lost." Ethan retorted, before striding off to a bench outside the ED. He felt faint, he felt like death. He was shaking, visibly shaking, he couldn't breathe. His mind went blank, his heart was racing. Sounds became muffled around him. Then he saw it. The image of the crash. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness.

"Eth?" Lofty had sat beside him. "Ethan, breathe!" Ethan was hyperventilating; he didn't know Lofty was sitting beside him. "Ethan!?" Lofty shouted, snapping Ethan out of his thoughts. His shaking became visibly worse, and Lofty was scared for him. It looked like cool, calm Ethan was having a panic attack. "Ethan, you need to try and steady your breathing, okay? In 1, 2, 3, out 1, 2, 3…" Lofty repeated this until Ethan was getting calmer, and thank god for that. "You okay?" Lofty asked, again. Ethan knew there was no logical answer after what Lofty just saw, but he went back to the old way of answering tough questions like that.

"Fine, just leave me alone." Ethan walked back into the ED, and continued with his work, eager to get back home and have a drink. Why couldn't people just leave him alone?

Lofty wasn't convinced by the answer Ethan gave, so decided to find Cal. He thought Cal would know what was up with Ethan, after all, they are brothers.

"Cal?" Lofty called.

"What is it?" Cal turned around to see a terrified Lofty stood before him.

"Can I have a word?" Lofty sounded worried, and Cal saw this worry, and nodded, scared. "Well, er… Ethan looked like he just had a panic attack." He came straight out with it, deciding not to add sugar to the pill- how could he?

"Ethan?" Cal knew this wasn't like Ethan. "Are you sure it was a panic attack? Ethan doesn't get them."

Lofty nodded, obviously concerned. "It was. Can you have a word with him? He doesn't seem himself."

"Yep, in fact, why not now." Cal saw Ethan walk up, opposite the desk, in the main area by cubicles. Hoe was he going to approach his struggling brother?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Ethan react if Cal confronts him? Find out soon… and, as ever, please review and tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

"Ethan?" Cal called- walking over to him.

"What it is, Caleb?!" He sounded annoyed. This alerted those around them, who were always looking for a good bit of gossip, especially brotherly gossip.

"Can I have a word?" He questioned to his obviously distressed brother.

"Make it quick, there's someone in cubicles, and I…" Cal cut him off, knowing Ethan was trying to get out of talking to him.

"Eth." Cal didn't know how to approach this, so went in for the kill, deciding a direct option would be better than stringing it out. "Lofty said you had a panic attack, is this true?" Ethan was shaking now- visibly shaking, and sweating.

"No, why would he say that, I mean, I wouldn't, I mean, err, I have nothing to…you know…err," Ethan was lost for words, stuttering, confused and feeling angry at Lofty for telling Cal. He silently cursed his stutter for getting the better of him. Cal knew that a stuttering Ethan meant Ethan was nervous.

"Look, is there anything you…" Ethan turned to walk away, desperate to get out of this horrible situation, but Cal grabbed him by the arm. "Look, I'm just trying to help." Ethan was mad, confused, worried, upset, and suddenly saw red.

"I WISH EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ethan boomed, alerting most of the ED. He punched Cal, making him stagger backwards. He went to punch him again, but found his arms restrained by Lofty, who had run to help. He continued trying to punch Cal, until he realised it was helpless. He made a run for it.

"Dr. Hardy? My office, NOW!" Connie called. Ethan continued running, out and away from the hospital. He probably wouldn't have a job to go to in the morning. He didn't care. He didn't want to see anyone. Left behind were the stunned faces of his colleagues. Cal even more so. Cal didn't see the point in fighting against his brother. Not now, not as Ethan was so obviously angry at something.

"Dr. Knight. Would you please tell your brother to see me first thing tomorrow, if he wants a job?" Mrs. Beauchamp growled

"Yes Mrs. Beauchamp."

* * *

"What was that about?" Zoe asked a couple of minutes later, trying to break the awkward silence.

"He's seemed a bit off all day," Robyn commented and Rita agreed.

"Yeah, and the panic attack. Something isn't right, Cal." Lofty added.

"But what? He's never been like this before." Even Cal knew something was wrong with his brother.

"Maybe the crash had more of an impact then we thought. I mean, he nearly died." Rita suggested. Cal nodded.

"I'll speak to him after my shift finishes." Cal said, before getting back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A review will be greatly appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

Cal arrived to a silent apartment.

"Ethan?" His voice echoed around the empty space, and a deathly silence followed. It had been ages since Ethan ran out of the ED. He must have returned home by now. Cal, however, let it pass as Ethan getting some air, and slumped down by the TV.

What Cal didn't know was Ethan was sitting against a wall in an empty alleyway. Drunk as hell. Ethan couldn't care less about the hangover he was going to have. This helped. He wasn't aware of how destructive he was being, he just wanted to forget. But, then it happened. The flashback. He thought of Jeff, of the crash, screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. It repeated itself inside Ethan's drunken mind. He just wanted to forget, forget everything. He drank some more, drowning his sorrows, until his vision clouded, he fell to the floor, and all he saw was black, before collapsing onto the stone ground.

* * *

When he woke, he didn't care. It was morning, and his hangover was worse than ever before. He knew it was morning by the sunlight, and he didn't go home, but he couldn't face Cal after what he did. He blindly punched him, and gave people the cold shoulder the day before, and he probably didn't have a job after the events that took place yesterday. A single tear rolled out of his eye, onto his cheek, down, and it dripped onto the ground. He looked at the 8 beer bottles, upset and annoyed to find them all empty. He tried standing. He wanted more, he needed more. As soon as he stood up, weak and blinded by the morning light, he was violently sick, before collapsing onto his knees, head buried in his hands. He realised what a mess he was in, and noticed all he wanted his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's short- okay, very short- less than 400 words, but this really was a good place to leave it! Honestly! On the note of last night's Casualty episode (Series 29, Episode 23), don't read if you haven't seen it yet, Zoe and Max kissed in front of their colleagues?! Who else was expecting that? I was so shocked my mouth literally dropped open, and my hands went to cover up my gasping!
> 
> Anyway, please review and the next chapter is going up in two days- as always! Thank you for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Cal walked in the ED, expecting to see his brother. It wasn't like Ethan not to return home, not like him at all. He would have nowhere to go at night, so he hoped he was doing a night shift to make up for the previous day's events, but was shocked to hear what Connie asked.

"Dr. Knight? Where is your brother? He was meant to come and see me!" He had no answer for this.

"Give me a minute, I'll get him." He sounded unsure, and walked right past Connie, to his other colleagues, hoping he was in there, and Connie just didn't see him.

Cal walked into the area by cubicles, and was uneasy when Zoe looked concerned as she approached him.

"Ethan not with you?" Zoe asked.

"I thought he was here. Have none of you seen him?" He sounded distressed. Something wasn't right.

"None of us have seen him since yesterday." Max piped up.

"Oh god!" Cal said, wiping his sweating brow.

"Why, what's wrong?" Robyn questioned the terrified Cal.

"He didn't come home last night." Cal raised his voice with anger and worry. "Ugh, Where is he?" He muttered to himself.

"Look, Cal, I'm sure he'll turn up, he loves this job." Zoe reassured him.

"Yes, but will he still have it by the end of today?" Cal then noticed his boss walk up. "Mrs. Beauchamp! Err…Ethan isn't here."

"I can see that Dr. Knight. When will he be here?" Connie was completely oblivious to what was happening.

"Er…he will…" Cal looked to Zoe for support. He didn't know when Ethan would be back, or where he was.

"Cal doesn't know, he didn't return home last night." Zoe helped Cal, and decided to tell her straight out, things worked better if you were straight with Connie. As soon as Connie heard this said, her face turned sympathetic towards the scared Cal.

"I'm sure he'll come back, Cal." Connie reassured him, before she walked off into her office.

"Let's hope so." Cal muttered under his breath, before getting on with his job, his worry rising after every minute.

* * *

It took a good 20 minutes for Ethan to stumble to near the ED. All he wanted was to be held by his older brother. He was hung over, scared, anxious, and most of all, feeling over-whelming guilt. He tried to think of what he was going to say to Cal. He couldn't let him know how upset he was. He just needed to tell him something, about where he was last night, and most important, Cal couldn't know about Ethan's drinking, that was private. Ethan kept running through his story in his head, but then saw an ambulance, with Dixie and Ian returning to it, they had obviously just brought in someone. Seeing Dixie was like a hard blow to the chest, like someone kicked him in the stomach. His heart fell, as did he. He was so close to the ED, but not close enough to find his brother. He felt that feeling again. It consumed him. He collapsed against a nearby wall. His heart beating faster every second, his breathing became rapid. His eyesight became fuzzy, people just shapes walking across his vision. Sounds became muffled, as the sight flashed across his mind, again. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. He felt like he was going to die.

Ian spotted Ethan, and nudged Dixie. He walked a couple of steps closer, and realised Ethan was struggling.

"GET CAL!" Ian shouted to Dixie as he ran over to Ethan, collapsed against a wall, completely out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, a slight cliff-hanger there...sorry! Please review telling me what you think of it so far?! I hope to see you next chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to do this earlier...DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters that you recognise in this story- much to my dismay! I'm just borrowing them for my own personal enjoyment!

_Ian spotted Ethan, and nudged Dixie. He walked a couple of steps closer, and realised Ethan was struggling._

" _GET CAL!" Ian shouted to Dixie as he ran over to Ethan, collapsed against a wall, completely out of it._

* * *

Dixie ran into the ED in a panic.

"Cal, come quickly, it's Ethan." She was in such a state it was a surprise Cal knew what she was saying. Without warning, Cal slammed down his patient notes and ran after Dixie- Zoe, Robyn and Rita, close behind.

"Ethan, can you hear me?" Ian pleaded. Ethan couldn't hear him, he couldn't hear anything, apart from a crash, a scream, brakes, over and over again. He was unaware of people around him, he felt like he was going to die. Constant panic and shivers ran through him as he tried not to replay the dreaded scene that took place a month ago. A scene that he caused and a scene that killed Jeff.

Cal ran over to his brother and knelt beside him, wondering how to get him to calm down. Zoe, Dixie, Rita and Robyn watched on as Ian and Cal tried to snap Ethan into reality.

"Ethan, its Cal, just breathe. Eth?" Cal sounded desperate, but Ethan's subconscious heard Cal's voice, and soon, he was calming down. "Ethan, you need to calm down, okay? Just try and focus? Please?" Cal was trying to reassure his brother. "Just calm down and everything will be okay." No matter how hard he tried, Ethan's breathing wouldn't slow down, even as he clung onto the breeches of reality. He turned to see the less blurry face of his brother, completely oblivious to everything else around him. "Ethan, try and slow your breathing, you're doing really well, okay, just breathe in and out." Ethan grabbed his brother's hand, and squeezed it tighter and tighter. No matter how hard he tried, his breathing wouldn't slow down, it over came him.

Cal stared at his brother, not caring about the pain in his hand. Ethan looked empty and scared, and desperate, something that made Cal's ever growing worry, grow. "What do I do?" Cal pleaded to his colleagues. "I don't know what to do!" Cal was evidently worried.

"Cal!" Rita shouted, nodding towards Ethan. His eyes were closing, and he was sliding down, further and further.

"Ethan?" Ian said, also scared. "Ethan, can you hear me?" It was obvious he was trying to stay calm, with little effect. Cal felt Ethan's hand lose grip, as his brother fainted before him. Zoe rushed off back into the ED, getting a wheelchair.

"Put him onto this. Cal?!" Cal was staring at his brother, wondering what happened. "Now, Cal, help!" Zoe repeated.

They hauled him onto it, and put him onto an empty bed in cubicles. He was wired up, and Cal was left questioning everything he witnessed.

* * *

After about 10 minutes, someone spoke up. "What happened to him?" Rita asked Zoe, who was monitoring him. Cal was waiting for an answer, as were all his colleagues. Everyone had seen Ethan in cubicles, seen him punch Cal, knew he didn't return home. What was wrong with Ethan?

"He'll be fine. His pulse went through the roof and he started hyperventilating. My guess is that's why he fainted- lack of oxygen." She turned back to Ethan after hearing a groan come from him. "See- he's awake!" She beamed- trying to stay positive. Cal strode over to his brother and took his hand.

"Ethan? Can you hear me?" Ethan was questioning what just happened. He didn't know where he was.

"Huh?" He groaned. "Wha…?" He was too confused to continue.

"You fainted, mate! It's fine now. You're in the hospital." Cal replied to his groans and grunts. Ethan pulled the oxygen mask off of him, and tried to get up. Everything started to make more sense.

"No, Eth, don't get up." He tried to hold his brother down, but Ethan was having none of it.

"Please get off of me, Cal. I just want to go." Ethan pleaded, but before Cal had a chance to object, Connie walked in.

"Ah, Dr. Hardy, I see you're awake now." Ethan smiled sarcastically, as if to say,  _'oh really, hadn't noticed myself!'_  "Would you be fit to continue with your job?"

"That's if I still have one," Ethan groaned, not making eye contact with his boss.

"Yes you do, Dr. Hardy, on one condition."

"Which is?" Ethan would do anything; he just wanted to get back to normal.

"That we don't have a repeat of yesterday, oh and, can you come to my office after your shift?" Ethan nodded, ashamed. He'd almost forgotten about yesterday, almost. Connie walked off, leaving Cal and Ethan, and their colleagues listening intently in.

"Look, Cal, I'm sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean to kick off." Ethan apologised.

"Don't worry about it, Eth. All that matters is that you're okay now!" Ethan was amazed at how quickly Cal forgave him, but rolled with it.

"Right, back to work!" Ethan said, filled with a sense of glee, he just wanted to get things back to normal. Cal didn't object- he knew not to push Ethan. He didn't want his having yet  _another_ panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of felt sorry for Ethan while writing this...please review letting me know of your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

" _Right, back to work!" Ethan said, filled with a sense of glee, he just wanted to get things back to normal. Cal didn't object- he knew not to push Ethan. He didn't want his having yet another panic attack._

* * *

Ethan walked up to Connie's office door at the end of his shift, scared of the conversation to come. He raised his hand to knock on the door, but froze when nearing into knock. He couldn't bear to hear the conversation that was about to happen.

 _Come on, Ethan. Get it done and over with. Man up!_  He tried to console himself, and to his surprise, he gave three sharp knocks on his bosses' door, before he could stop himself. No going back now.

"Come in!" A shrilling voice came from inside, which made Ethan shiver inwardly. He opened the door, and stepped in, a trembling bag of nerves.

"Ah, Dr. Hardy, please, take a seat." Ethan couldn't pinpoint the tone of her voice. It was either hiding anger, or hiding slight pity, either way, she was hiding all emotion. Nevertheless, Ethan sat down, nervously, and his gaze turned to his feet.

"Dr. Hardy, you haven't been yourself in the last couple of days, is everything alright?" Ethan gave a sharp nod, careful not to give anything away, not to give in.

"Well, Dr. Hardy, would you care to tell me what yesterday's incident was about? What about the panic attacks? Or the  _rudeness_  to my staff? " Connie interrogated a silent Ethan. a few of their colleagues were eve's dropping, intently, trying to work out what happened to Ethan. Everyone knew he was cool, calm, level-headed, and not violent, and didn't panic, at least not as much to suffer panic attacks. If they did find out, no doubt the whole department would in the end- the way gossip flies around.

Ethan gave a reply Connie was not expecting. "If you're going to do the 'good cop, bad cop' malarkey, don't do both parts!" Ethan nervously joked.

"Dr. Hardy! May I remind you that you are speaking to the clinical lead, and yesterday, you punched a member of staff? Brother or not, I could suspend you for this!" She was defiantly 'bad cop' now.

"It was nothing." Ethan murmured.

"Well, it certainly didn't look like nothing!"

"Can I just go now?" Ethan got up to leave.

"You will not leave. I am not done with you yet." Ethan didn't want to admit to anything, and instead just punched the wall by him, shocking Connie and those listening in.

"Dr. Hardy! If you can't control your anger, I'll have no choice but to suspend you!"

"SUSPEND ME THEN, I DON'T CARE!" Ethan shouted. Connie winced; she didn't want to be his next target.

"Right, you are going to tell me what's going on, before someone else gets hurt." Her tone lowered.

"NOTHING'S GOING ON!" Ethan said, still shouting.

"Maybe it was too early for you to come back." Connie reasoned. Good cop again?

"WHY WOULD IT BE? I'M PERFECTLY FINE." Ethan screamed, punching the wall a couple more times.

"You are clearly not." Connie tried to keep calm, finding it very difficult to. The staff that was listening in exchanged worried looks. What could be wrong with Ethan?

"Dr. Hardy, don't make me suspend you!" Connie's voice rose only slightly.

The realization of him being suspended hit him. "No! Don't," Ethan pleaded. He knew full well that if was suspended, he'd be more upset than ever. He realised he'd done wrong; and didn't know how to put it right. "It was my fault." He blurted it out before he had the time to think.

"What was?" There was no answer. Ethan had said too much already. "DR. HARDY?" Connie shouted.

"THAT JEFF'S DEAD!" Ethan punched the wall several more times before his hands were severely bleeding. He broke down in tears, collapsing onto his knees, crying, tears streaming down his cheeks. Cal burst in the office, grabbing his brother in a tight hug, rocking back and forth. The team outside exchanged looks of pity, Dixie looked more shocked than anyone.

"It's okay, Ethan, it's okay. It'll be alright." Cal consoled his brother.

"It was my entire fault, Cal! I should have died, not him. He's dead because of me, Cal." Ethan spoke into Cal's shoulder. Cal didn't reply. Instead he continued comforting his brother. The team looked sympathetically at him; a mess on the floor, even Connie felt sorry for the young doctor. She never realised how badly Ethan had taken the crash. Connie nodded to Cal, almost reading his mind.

"Let's go home." Cal stated to his brother. Ethan nodded. He struggled to get up, feeling weak and out of energy. He staggered slightly on his feet, but Cal had a firm grip on him. Eventually, he managed to find his balance, with his brother's support, and walked out, trying to avoid anyone's gaze, still teary, and distraught that he had given in to them.

"He really was affected, wasn't he?" Robyn blurted out once Cal and Ethan were out of sight.

"I didn't realise…" Rita added.

"No one did." Zoe reassured them.

"But, why would he convince himself of that?" Max wondered- aloud.

"Well, he was driving, wasn't he?" Ian asked.

"That's the reason." Dixie realised. "He feels responsible for all of this." After Dixie had said that, everyone now understood Ethan's current state.

"Let's hope Cal can convince him otherwise, eh?" Charlie added. The team nodded, and, after persuasion, managed to get back to work. Though, all scared for Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, everyone knows now...that's kind of bad...
> 
> Don't read this next bit if you haven't watched 07 March Casualty's episode...I feel really sorry for Lily, I mean she literally collapsed with exhaustion! I wonder how things with Rita and Connie will go, don't you? Please review so I know what you think of this so far!


	8. Chapter 8

" _Yeah. Oh god, that's the reason. He feels responsible for all of this." After Dixie had said that, everyone now understood Ethan's current state._

" _Let's hope Cal can convince him otherwise, eh?" Charlie added. The team nodded, and, after persuasion, managed to get back to work. Though, all scared for Ethan._

* * *

"Oh, god." Ethan spoke aloud as they were nearing the car. Cal stopped and turned around to his very frightened brother.

"What is it?" He asked, softly.

"I… can't…"Ethan started to back away. "I… just… can't…"

"Can't what?" Cal was so confused at what was causing his brother to act like this.

"Get in that." Ethan raised a trembling hand towards Cal's car, backing away even more, stumbling back from the lack of energy he had. His face turned a shade of pale white, as the entire colour rushed out of it. A thin sheen of sweat gathered on his face.

"Ethan, it'll be okay, trust me." Cal's reassuring voice didn't help Ethan, not now. He started to approach Ethan, but he backed away more.

"NO! I… can't." Ethan got all the strength he could muster and ran to a nearby bench, before collapsing down on it, bringing his knees up, and crying some more. Cal didn't know what to do. Ethan didn't have the energy to walk home, but he couldn't bear to be in a car again. Cal decided to leave Ethan on the bench, and he walked back into the ED, hoping to get some advice from his friends.

"I thought you were taking Ethan home?" Robyn was the first to notice Cal return, and before long, a few people had gathered, wondering what Cal's helpless look was for.

"It's more complicated than I anticipated." He said, defeated.

"How'd you mean?" Max enquired.

"He's way too scared to even get in a car, and he's too weak to walk the way home."

"Where's he now?" Zoe asked.

"Curled up and crying on a bench." Cal flung his head down and looked at the floor. He should have noticed this before. He was Ethan's brother, he'd lived with him for the past month.

"If he calms down, I'm sure he'll be fine." Robyn tried to reassure him.

"Yesterday- he was late because he refused to let me drive him. You know how he hates being late, and yet he was too scared to get in a car." Cal murmured. Zoe put her hand on Cal's back, but he shrugged it off. It was Ethan that needed comforting, not him.

"What're you going to do?" Robyn enquired.

"Honestly, I don't know. In an ideal world- knock him out!" Cal joked, making a few of his colleagues giggle with him.

"You know, that might not be such a bad idea." Everyone turned to look at Lofty, who had an evil grin plastered on his face. "Ethan doesn't drink, right?" Cal nodded. "So, it can't take much to get him drunk."

"What're you getting at?" Cal was completely confused, and looking around, so was everyone else.

"So, get him a bit drunk, and he won't mind getting in a car- he'll be too tipsy." Lofty suggested.

"Lofty, mate! You're a genius!" Cal gave a mocking salute and strode out of the ED, to the pub, to get a drink for Ethan.

Ethan was sitting peacefully on the bench, pondering how many people knew what he had been trying to hide. He already thought they blamed him, now he'd given in to them. He saw Cal approach him with alcohol in his hand. His mouth watered, he could kill for a drink at this moment, but Cal could never know. Not about all the alcohol stashed under his bed, not about the money he'd put aside for alcohol.

"Hey, I got you this." Cal handed Ethan the alcohol, and was surprised when Ethan didn't reject. Normally, he'd refuse alcohol, but he just drank this down in one go. Cal was taken aback.

"Wow, you could really give me a run for my money!" Cal laughed. Ethan just smiled back at the remark he made, desperate to get rid of him. He couldn't help but wonder what Cal was thinking about him.

A few minutes later, Ethan was only slightly tipsy, because, unknown to Cal, Ethan drank a lot more since the crash- but Ethan was too tired to care. He felt weaker- his lack of energy and the drink really was taking him over, and he didn't notice much as Cal put him in the car and drove him home. Cal managed to guide Ethan upstairs and into bed. He rolled onto his side and stared at the white wall opposite him, and Cal looked over at him, wondering why his brother blamed himself so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a bit of a filler and strange chapter. While writing this, I realised that Ethan wouldn't be able to just get in the car, and this was the only solution I could think of *bad me*. Please review and tell me what you think of the story so far!


	9. Chapter 9

_Cal managed to guide Ethan upstairs and into bed. He rolled onto his side and stared at the white wall opposite him, and Cal looked over at him, wondering why his brother blamed himself so much._

* * *

The morning rolled around, and Ethan was in exactly the same position as he was when Cal left his bedside. He hadn't moved, he hadn't talked, and he hadn't slept.

"Eth?" Cal whispered through the door. Finding no answer, Cal feared the worst, but was relieved when Ethan was still in his bed, lying on his side. Cal made his way in, and kneeled down by Ethan's head. "Ethan? We're going to be late." He spoke calmly. Ethan didn't answer; he didn't even seem to acknowledge that Cal was talking to him. His eyes were empty, and he just stared straight ahead. "Eth, come on. Where's your 'get up and go'?"

Ethan's answer was almost subconscious. "Got up and gone."

"Please, Ethan." No answer again made Cal make his way to work by himself, deciding to approach Ethan when he was feeling better.

 _Maybe events yesterday pushed him over the edge?_  Cal pondered. He made his way to his car, and started to drive off towards work- wondering how his brother would be able to cope, knowing everyone knew his secret, and, everyone was sure to know now, gossip spread like wildfire in the ED.

* * *

He trudged into the ED, right into the staffroom, ignoring various questions. He got changed, and Robyn and Zoe walked in- much to his annoyance.

"Where's Ethan?" Robyn asked.

"Er…he's not feeling well." Cal hoped his lie would be bought. To his disappointment, it wasn't. Cal put his bag into his locker, and turned around to see Zoe stood there, Robyn was gone.

"Tea?" Zoe asked. Cal decided to accept this offer of kindness and sat down, putting his head in his hands. A couple of minutes later, Zoe walked over to him, and took the seat next to him- handing over the cup of tea, before sipping her own.

"He's not ill, is he?" Zoe said. Cal shook his head. "What happened?" She asked softly- trying not to pry.

"He's Just lying in bed. Zoe, he looked so empty, so broken. I don't even think he slept last night." Cal was on the verge of tears- but quickly dismissed them.

"I'm sure he'll come round eventually, it'll just take a bit of time. Does Connie know he's not coming into work?" Cal shook his head again. Connie. He'd almost forgotten about her. Almost.

 _Speak of the devil._ He thought as Connie approached him. She had a surprisingly calm facial expression.

"Dr. Hardy not coming in today, Dr. Knight?"

"No, he's not feeling too well. I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow." Cal blurted out. Connie just nodded and walked off.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, Cal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But will he be fine, that is the question, and the answer will be revealed on Friday! Hehehe! It would be really good if you told me what you thought of this story so far!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this was meant to go up yesterday, and, although I said it would, I maybe, might have, accidentally, probably, kind of...forgotten about putting it . But, to make up for it, I'll post the next chapter tonight!

" _Dr. Hardy not coming in today, Dr. Knight?"_

" _No, he's not feeling too well. I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow." Cal blurted out. Connie just nodded and walked off._

" _I'm sure he'll be fine, Cal."_

Ethan was sat at home, in front of the TV. Empty alcohol bottles scattered by him. In the time Cal was doing his shift, all Ethan had done was move from his bed to the sofa, and drink. He couldn't bring himself to go to work, there was no point anymore. He'd given into it, into them, his guilt, and it was slowly eating him alive. He could only pick up an alcohol bottle and down it. He was too guilt-ridden to do anything else. BEEP. It was a text from Cal. Why was Cal texting him? Ethan groaned as he bent over the side of the sofa to pick it up from where it had been carelessly left after it dropped.

_Coming home, but passing shops. Need anything?_

_Cal_

Ethan wanted to ask him for some alcohol- he'd finished all of his stash, but his brother wouldn't approve. He'd know if the usually sober Ethan was having a problem if he was drunk.

_No. I'm going out anyway, see you soon._

_Ethan_

He grabbed all of his empty alcohol bottles and threw them under his bed, carefully concealing it amongst other days' worth of drinking bottles. He looked around under there. It was like a bomb had hit a pub. He dismissed that thought and clasped his coat. He then trudged out into the cold evening air, hoping to get rid of his awful headache, brought on by his hangover that ad started to make itself known- much to Ethan's disappointment.

Ten minutes later, Ethan stumbled slightly, then looked up, and to his delight, he was right next to a pub. He searched around in his pocket, feeling for his wallet. When he finally discovered it, in amongst scraps of paper and tissue, he opened it, and to his disappointment, found meager amounts of money.  _Oh well, at least I'll get something to drink. There's none left at home._  He didn't bother to register the name of the pub, his mouth was already watering, and he strode inside, and immediately had shot after shot. A familiar voice behind him made him snap out of his thoughts, and he now realised, he'd subconsciously walked to the pub near the ED.  _Great._

"You didn't turn up for work?" Lofty questioned.

"Yeah, what happened?" Max asked, his worry growing for the struggling but drunk doctor. Ethan didn't bother to answer; he could already feel his chest getting tighter and his breathing quickening. Before anyone had a chance to stop him, he pushed past Lofty and Max, then growled and continued to push past Charlie and Robyn. He needed to get out of there, as quick as he could.

"What's wrong with him? Cal told me he was unwell." Robyn examined the empty shot glasses occupying the tabletop where Ethan previously stood- well, swayed.

"Maybe I should go and talk to him." Charlie suggested. Lofty nodded and Charlie made his way to find Ethan, hoping to get some sense out of him.

_I walked out of the pub, not caring about my four colleagues. They'd probably question me, but I had more important things to do, like sleeping off this headache for one._

He stumbled along the pavement, his pulse rapidly increasing. He was as drunk as a sailor, and as panicked as a dying man. He felt like he was dying, he thought he was going to die. He could hear his name being called, but he didn't know who by. Sounds became muffled as his vision blurred. He knees buckled from underneath him as he collapsed on the ground, shaking, sweating, and feeling like death warmed up. Then, he was there all over again. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. He heard his name being called. Who was calling him? Why were they? Where was he?

"Ethan, you've been in a car crash mate." His voice rang inside Ethan's ears. It was Jeff's voice. It was the man he killed. Then, there was another voice.

"Ethan?" It wasn't Jeff's, but he couldn't pinpoint whose it was. He dismissed it. He thought of Jeff. He saved his life, but Jeff wouldn't have died if it wasn't for him. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. All he could see was darkness. His vision wasn't getting better, if anything, it was getting worse. He was gasping for air, as if his life depended on it. He felt hands clasp is shoulders. Was he lying down? He couldn't tell. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. "ETHAN!" The voice was louder. Who was it? He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he had a splitting headache, he couldn't breathe. Was this the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to leave it there! But, you'll get the next chapter soon... Please review so I know whether or not you are enjoying it!


	11. Chapter 11

_He thought of Jeff. He saved his life, but Jeff wouldn't have died if it wasn't for him. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. All he could see was darkness. His vision wasn't getting better, if anything, it was getting worse. He was gasping for air, as if his life depended on it. He felt hands clasp is shoulders. Was he lying down? He couldn't tell. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. "ETHAN!" The voice was louder. Who was it? He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he had a splitting headache, he couldn't breathe. Was this the end?_

Ethan could hear noises in the background, they sounded like thuds, no, footsteps, running feet- from one person, no more. Who was coming? He was still gasping for air, and he could feel his rapid heart beating against his chest. Screeching brakes, glass smashing around him. Screams, many screams. Dizziness. Darkness. It was replaying itself. He didn't know how to stop it. He felt his hand, his arm being lifted. His hand being gently placed on someone's chest. Who's was it? He couldn't tell. He couldn't see, and all he heard was muffled sounds from all around him. From his hand, he could feel someone breathing. It was a lot slower and calmer than his. He found his breathing too slowed down, ever so gently. He could make out the voice that had called his name. It was Charlie.  _Oh great, Charlie's here._

"Ethan, can you hear me?" Charlie's tone was soft. Ethan didn't respond. His pulse had slowed down, but wasn't back to normal quite yet. His arm was gently lowered onto the ground. He was lying down. But, how? He could feel the sheer coolness of the stone beneath him. His vision was gradually becoming clearer, and his eyes focused on Charlie's face, not only Charlie's, but Robyn's, Max's and Lofty's.  _Oh great, more people to watch me become weak!_

"Ethan? Can you hear me?" Ethan nodded his head ever so slightly. A sharp pain shot through his left temple, making his hiss. "You okay?" Charlie sounded concerned. Ethan sat up. His head complained.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He breathed. The three nurses and the porter knew he wasn't. They'd all heard him shout his guilt at Connie. They all knew about his panic attacks. They knew he was too scared to even go in a car, and yet, he still wanted to be fine. Ethan rose, swaying slightly on his feet. He was still very much drunk. Charlie had to grab Ethan's arms to stop his falling over. Ethan shrugged them off.

"I said I'm fine." He growled. He went to walk off, still quite tipsy, when Charlie called after him.

"Should I get you a taxi?" He shouted. Ethan turned back. His four colleagues saw the fear swimming in his eyes. He ran. Just ran. As if his life depended on it. Ethan knew it did. What if the taxi crashed? What would he do then?

Running was all he could do. He ran, he didn't know where, but he ran. Subconsciously, he managed to get home, to find a very concerned Cal waiting by the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finished watching Casualty (Toxic Relationships). Wow, that was an exciting episode! Cal is very naughty, but quite clever, don't you agree? Casualty isn't on next week- pity that it doesn't get priority...oh well. Please review, and maybe comment on the episode just gone, I would love to hear what you thought of it!


	12. Chapter 12

_Running was all he could do. He ran, he didn't know where, but he ran. Subconsciously, he managed to get home, to find a very concerned Cal waiting by the door._

* * *

"Go away, Caleb." Ethan spat. Cal was quite taken aback it his brother's harsh manner, then again, Ethan wasn't himself anyway. He had to make Ethan see sense, however long it took. Cal knew Ethan was slowly dying inside. He need to do something about his little brother.

"Eth! Wait!" He shouted after him. Ethan turned around, and Cal had trouble deciphering his facial expression. It was halfway between anger and pure, self-cooked up guilt. "I had a call from Charlie." His voice softened, he didn't want to set Ethan off again.

"So?" Ethan retorted, ashamed of what happened, and angry at Charlie for telling Cal. It would only make Cal worry more- worry that was not needed.

"What happened?" Cal persisted. He needed to know, so he could stop it ever happening again.

"Nothing. Just leave me be." Ethan hissed. "Please." He added, before turning on is heels and striding off to his bedroom, collapsing on his bed, and crying. Cal could hear him, only slightly, but that was enough for him to know Ethan was crying.

* * *

Cal walked into Ethan's bedroom in the early hours of the morning, to see if he was sleeping. It was no surprise that he was lying on his side, a blank expression on his face, staring at the white wall opposite him. Ethan didn't even notice Cal at his bedroom door. Cal knew Ethan wasn't going to leave this large pit of guilt too soon, but hoped he would regain some of his normality back. Ethan needed to attend work- but it just kicks him off into full blown panic attacks. He left Ethan silently, and made his way back to his room, before he dropped back off to sleep, with the knowledge his brother was suffering.

* * *

Cal woke up to his beeping alarm clock, before he slammed his hand down onto it, in an attempt to shut it up. Without luck, it kept ringing through his head, into the depths of his newly disrupted dreams. He carefully fumbled around for the button that would stop the noise. He pressed it, and to his relief, it stopped. Now, all he had to do was to get Ethan up, which was easier said than done.

Cal walked into his room, being careful not to startle him. He was lying in the exact same position as he was earlier that morning, the same blank look pasted onto his face, but he looked more tired. It was obvious he hadn't slept.

"Eth? You coming in today, mate?" No reply. Ethan hadn't even acknowledged him. He was too lost in his own thoughts. Before Cal left his brother's room, he took a quick picture of Ethan, hoping to show Zoe and get some advice from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Zoe be able to help Cal and Ethan? What do you think Ethan will do now everyone knows? If you have a spare minute, please review, they keep me going!


	13. Chapter 13

" _Eth? You coming in today, mate?" No reply. Ethan hadn't even acknowledged him. He was too lost in his own thoughts. Before Cal left his brother's room, he took a quick picture of Ethan, hoping to show Zoe and get some advice from her._

* * *

Cal trudged through the ED, ignoring Connie's questions and other people's concerned looks. He headed straight for Zoe. Zoe would know what to do, wouldn't she?

"Cal? You okay?" She asked, putting down some patient notes, seeing a distressed Cal stride towards her.

"Er…I need some advice." He muttered, before Zoe led him into the staff room, where they were alone, and they could talk freely. She never thought Cal,  _Mr. Cool_ , _Mr. I Know Everything_ , would ask for her advice, but she was glad that he was seeking help, for whatever he was doing. She had a hunch it had to do with his brother.

"Is it about Ethan?" Cal nodded.

"He's just not himself. Early this morning, I snuck into his room and saw him staring into nothingness. He wasn't sleeping; it was, like, 1 in the morning. I walked in just before I came here, and he was in exactly the same spot, but looked more tired. Look." Cal showed Zoe the picture of the broken, tired, spaced out Ethan.

"Charlie told me about last night." Zoe pointed out. "How many is that now?"

"Three in four days. That we know about anyway. Who's to say he hasn't had more?" Cal whimpered. The realization just hit him. He could have had loads more panic attacks when he's been alone.

"He'll come round, it'll just take time." Zoe consoled the scared doctor. "Ethan doesn't drink, does he?" Zoe asked, conspiratorially.

"No, hates the stuff." Cal answered. "Why?"

"Just something Robyn said, that's all."

"What did she say?" Cal interrogated to the hesitant Zoe.

"Last night, they saw Ethan in the pub, after he walked out, Robyn saw a lot of empty shot glasses by where he was. Cal, he was probably drunk as hell last night." She answered. She thought about lying to Cal, could Ethan really be drowning his sorrows?

"You don't think…" Cal started.

"…I do." Zoe finished.

"Zoe, can you cover for me with Connie. I know it's a big ask, but I need to see Ethan." He pleaded, and was so very thankful when she agreed, before running to his car, and going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your reviews and support through this story. It's good to know that people are reading and like what I'm producing!


	14. Chapter 14

" _Zoe, can you cover for me with Connie. I know it's a big ask, but I need to see Ethan." He pleaded, and was so very thankful when she agreed, before running to his car, and going home._

* * *

Cal walked into his apartment, after rushing home like a mad man. He had to sort Ethan out. He walked in to find Ethan lying on the sofa, watching a black screen. He silently crept into Ethan's room to look for evidence that he was drowning his sorrows with alcohol. He hoped it wasn't true. But, after looking around for a couple of minutes, being careful not to alert Ethan he was home, he looked in the place Ethan didn't want him to look. Under his bed were dozens of empty bottles, which all once had alcohol in them.

"ETHAN! IN HERE, NOW!" Cal shouted. He didn't want to shout, but he knew it would be hard to snap Ethan out of his thoughts- hopefully shouting would be enough. Ethan, noticing Cal was now home, and wincing at the tone he used, growled as he slid off the sofa and landed on the floor. He rose and started walking, wondering where 'here' was.

Cal was stood inside his room, looking quite sad, and sympathetic at the same time.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this bad?" Cal persisted. Ethan looked at him, a questioning look on his face, what the hell was he talking about? "Under your bed." He stated, in a barely audible whisper. His tone was soft, and gentle. Ethan made his way over to his bad and sat down; Cal sat next to him, putting a comforting arm round his kid brothers' shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Cal." He whispered- barley able to contain his tears. Cal didn't say anything. Instead, he embraced his younger brother in a hug, and Ethan sobbed into his shoulder. Cal knew he had to be there for his brother- but felt helpless. What could he do? He certainty didn't want to get Ethan into another panic.

* * *

Morning came and neither of the brothers spoke anymore about last night after Ethan had cried his heart out. Cal didn't want to approach the situation further, and Ethan felt too ashamed to bring it up. Cal decided it was best if they left it at that, and if it happens again- they'd explore it.

Cal was making himself breakfast when Ethan walked through the kitchen door, and went about making some toast and jam- much to Cal's surprise.

"You coming into work today?" Cal asked, hoping his brother would say yes.

"Of course, Caleb." He answered, as it it was the most obvious thing in the world. Cal felt a sense of joy concerning his younger brother. He looked happier, probably because of the secrets that he had been guarding were unleashed. He knew this wouldn't just go away overnight, but Ethan was finally getting back to his old self again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, a very unlikely thing that would happen in real life- but from this chapter onward (I pre-write all my stories), I started to get writers' block. It was hard to come up with ideas, and explore them in detail.
> 
> Thank you to those who have kept with this story, reviewed, favourited and followed, it means a lot! Please leave a review for this chapter telling me your thoughts on it!


	15. Chapter 15

" _You coming into work today?" Cal asked, hoping his brother would say yes._

" _Of course, Caleb." He answered. Cal felt a sense of joy concerning his younger brother. He looked happier. He knew this wouldn't just go away overnight, but Ethan was finally getting back to his old self again._

* * *

Ethan arrived slightly later then Cal. He still didn't feel comfortable going in a car. Cal accepted this, his brother will soon be brave enough- time is the best healer.

"Morning, Dr. Hardy, good to see you." Connie greeted.

"Good morning, Mrs. Beauchamp." He replied- unwilling to carry on the conversation further. Luckily, Connie didn't either, so he went to walk to the staff room to get changed.

* * *

The red phone started ringing, and Connie went up to answer it, with various doctors and nurses waiting to hear what the latest emergency was- Ethan included.

When she finished, she turned to her colleagues.

"There had been a Car vs. Tree crash, and the paramedics are requesting a doctor on site." Connie was having an inward debate. Should she ask Ethan to go? Maybe it would help him., but then again, she could put the casualties in danger if Ethan wasn't ready.

"I'll go." Cal suggested.

"No, let me." Ethan piped up.

"Is that a good idea, Ethan?" Zoe asked, and other colleagues looked on both shocked and worried at Ethan.

"Yeh, anyway, Cal went last time."

"Are you sure, Ethan?" Connie was concerned for the younger doctor, maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

"Of course." He stated simply. He knew he could do this, but it was clear no one else shared his thoughts.

"Okay, go and get ready. The car will be outside for you." Ethan walked off to get prepared, and tried to calm his nerves. Connie stood back- regretting her decision.

"Hey nibbles." Cal strode up behind him, making Ethan jump out of his own skin.

"What is it, Cal?" He groaned back.

"Turns out, they need 2 doctors, so I'm coming with you!" He beamed. Ethan knew that Connie had sent Cal to keep an eye on him, but dismissed it.

"Fine, let's go." Ethan barged past Cal to the car that waited outside for them. He went to grab the handle of it but froze in place. He managed to slow his breathing down. He couldn't be afraid of it. He wouldn't be afraid of it. A mere two days ago, he was too scared to get in a car, but now, he had to do it.

"You don't have to do this, you know." Cal reassured him.

"I do." Ethan replied to his concerned brother. He put his hand on the handle, pulled it, and the door swung open. He sat down, swung his legs in, and then pulled it shut behind him. There was no backing out now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doubt that would actually be allowed to happen, but this is fiction so, there you have it. The next couple of chapters are a lot better though, just because this was more of a filler chapter. A review is always welcome...please?


	16. Chapter 16

" _You don't have to do this, you know." Cal reassured him._

" _I do." Ethan replied to his concerned brother. He put his hand on the handle, pulled it, and the door swung open. He sat down, swung his legs in, and then pulled it shut behind him. There was no backing out now._

* * *

He gripped onto the sides of his seat, and shut his eyes tightly, trying to imagine he was anywhere but the car. Screeching brakes, glass sma…  _NO! STOP THINKING OF THAT! STOP IT! Mum, in her bed. Looking peaceful. Cal and I playing when we were younger._ He thought of anything but the crash, his eyes staying closed the entire time. It was working. He felt a hand slowly touch his back. He jumped and opened his eyes. They had stopped. The crash site was in front of them. He clambered out of the car, relieved to be on solid ground again, and he let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding.

"Right, we only needed one do…" Dixie started. Cal raised his eyebrow, and then nodded towards Ethan who was staring into the distance. "Oh…is he ready?" Dixie questioned.

"Honestly, I don't know. He thinks he is, let's hope he is." Cal mumbled. Was Ethan really ready for this? Only time would tell. "ETHAN?" Cal called, snapping Ethan into reality.

"Yeah, coming." He called back, before making his way over to the smashed up car. "What happened?"

"The passenger said that some man ran out into the road with a knife, and they had to swerve to avoid him. The swerving didn't quite go to plan." Dixie joked. Ethan didn't laugh, although Cal smirked.

"Right, Ian, what've we got?" Cal questioned. Ian gave a fleeting glance to Ethan, worry etched on his face, before taking them through the two patients. Halfway through, Ethan had about as much as he could take. The car was smashed, two people were injured. The driver caused it when he swerved, just like Ethan caused the crash. He walked away, ignoring Dixie's, Ian's and Cal's shouting.

He continued walking until just in front of one of the parked ambulances. Where he sat down, groaned, and rested his back up against it- taking off his jacket. He was hot, sweating from fear. Suddenly, a man walked up to him. It was the man with the knife. Ethan rose, careful around this man, who had the knife held up to Ethan's chest.

"Right, okay. Are you going to give me that?" His voice was soft- he'd hate to startle this man. His movements were slow as he was edging his way towards this unknown male, who had not long caused the crash.

"Are they okay?" The man spoke, and he whimpered slightly.

"Er…I don't know. You're going to have to give me that. Okay?" Ethan didn't know what to do. He was a wreck himself, and he was trying to get a knife that was pointed at his chest. He knew this could not end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff-hanger alert! Cliff-hanger alert! Sorry...that was just irresistible. I also have to say that this story is nearly finished...but there are more to come, don't worry!
> 
> Please review, they keep me going!


	17. Chapter 17

" _Er…I don't know. You're going to have to give me that. Okay?" Ethan didn't know what to do. He was a wreck himself, and he was trying to get a knife that was pointed at his chest. He knew this could not end well._

He felt a sudden sharp pain in his lower chest- followed by two hard punches and a kick, making him fall to the floor grasping his chest, before the man that administered them ran off into the distance, leaving Ethan alone, on the floor, by the ambulances- hoping no one saw him be so weak. He grabbed his jacket, not caring about his tightening chest, or the pain he was having while breathing. He zipped it, clutched his chest, and then stumbled back over to the scene of the crash, where they had just finished cutting out Callum Jenkins. Dixie, Iain and Cal were going to make their way back, and Ethan asked if he could tag along, leaving the second lot of paramedics alone to deal with the passenger of the car. Cal allowed him too; it was obvious he didn't want to be there any longer than he needed to.

Throughout the journey, Ethan was clutching his chest and was bent over. He couldn't care less that they were driving high speed down a motor way, his pain took over.  _It wasn't that deep. I'll patch it up back at the ED._  He just hoped that no one would find out. He had been too sudden with this man, and it was his fault that the man who had caused the crash got away.

"Ethan? You okay?" questioned a concerned looking Iain.

"Uh Hu." He replied, before bending over more, hoping to get back to the ED as soon as possible. He was carefully listening to Iain and Cal discussing the patents vitals. He needed to know them.

Ethan clambered out of the back of the Ambulance, following Iain and Cal.  _It's just a scratch._ It wasn't just a scratch though. It was a full on stab wound. His heart-rate was rapidly increasing, his chest was hurting, he was dizzy, he had shortness of breath, he was tired, and he had a thin sheen of sweat across his brow. He chose to dismiss these thoughts. After he was done with this patient, he could patch himself up, and no one needed to know.

"Right, what have we got?" Connie asked Ethan.  _Why ask me?_

"This…this is…er…" He breathed. He was confused. Who was it?

"Ethan? You okay?" Connie started to notice something was happening to the young Doctor. Was his chest hurting? Was that why he was clutching it?

"Yeah, er…this is Callum Jenkins, 27. He was driving in the… car vs. tree. He... he has minor lacerations to..er… his head, refused…erm… spinal immobilisation. BP 70…er…70/40, Pulse 60, GCS er…GCS was, er…5 at the scene, now 7…no…8. Slight Chest pain."

"Go and rest, NOW!" Connie ordered the struggling Ethan. He walked past his brother who had just arrived in RECUS to treat Callum. Cal gave him a concerned look. Ethan was still holding tight onto his chest.

"You okay Ethan?" There was no answer as Ethan continued walking into the staff toilets, locking the door, and taking off his jacket. Blood was seeping through his clothes from the stab wound.

_I could see where that man stabbed me, and the bruises that were forming above it. It was bloody. No wonder I felt so bad. I was having a very hard time breathing. My chest, throbbing. I could feel my heart thumping against my chest. I swayed slightly, due to the dizziness. Hard to breathe. Gasping in air. This really is the end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did do a lot of research for the medical...stuff...so I hope it is okay. Yes, you all saw it coming, Ethan was obviously going to end up bad, that's just what happens! But, there's nothing like a near death experience to awaken the senses, but who's to say Ethan will survive? Couple of days and you will find out!
> 
> Thoughts on this chapter?


	18. Chapter 18

_I could see where that man stabbed me, and the bruises that were forming above it. It was bloody. No wonder I felt so bad. I was having a very hard time breathing. My chest, throbbing. I could feel my heart thumping against my chest. I swayed slightly, due to the dizziness. Hard to breathe. Gasping in air. This really is the end._

Iain saw Ethan struggling earlier, and whether it was to do with the crash or not, he thought he'd better find him, calm him down if he was verging on another panic attack.

"Charlie! Have you seen Ethan?" Iain called.

"He went into the bathroom about a minute ago." Charlie answered, and Iain made his way there, wondering how to approach this delicate situation.

He tried to open the door to the staff toilets, but found it was locked. Why had Ethan locked it?

"Ethan? Can you open the door?" Iain shouted. Ethan couldn't find the strength the reply. He was clutching his chest, leaning on the sinks, close to losing all his energy- hand gripped tightly to stop him falling over.

"Help!" He breathed. Iain couldn't hear the young doctor's plea. Ethan was helpless and realised he was in big trouble if he couldn't get help.

"Ethan?" Iain called again. He was starting to get even more worried than he had been. Something was going on. He knew Cal would probably handle this situation better, so decided to get him. Ethan was cowering over the sinks, blood dripping down below him. He was gasping in air, despite his best efforts, he couldn't move. He was too weak to do anything. He could feel his eyes closing, but fought against the exhaustion as best he could.

"Cal, I need you, now!" Iain pleaded as he ran into RECUS.

"I'm a bit busy with this patient." He replied.

"No, Cal, seriously, it's Ethan." Before looking back, Cal ran off- much to Connie's annoyance, but she could hardly blame the young doctor- Ethan was his brother, after all.

Cal ran after Iain to the toilets.

"Ethan, it's Cal, can you open the door." He called inside. "No answer, what's happening?!" He sounded distressed, matched with Iain's worry. The both looked at each other, pondering what to do. Before Iain could stop him, Cal did something drastic.

"I'm going to kick it in." Cal stated, before kicking down the door, revealing Ethan- crouching over the sinks, blood all over his hands and chest, wheezing, and sweating.

"Ethan? What happened?" Iain questioned, while examining his wound. He and Cal took one arm each and supported him.

"Crash…man…knife…stab…" He gasped. He was becoming paler by the second, and he could feel his knees buckle as Iain and Cal struggled to keep him upright.

"Er…CAN WE GET A TROLLEY IN HERE PLEASE!" Cal boomed to the department. Dixie ran to their aid, using the trolley that recently had Callum Jenkins in.

"Oh god!" Dixie exclaimed, as she helped Iain and Cal put Ethan onto the trolley. They rushed into RECUS- much to the horror of their colleagues. Connie saw what she never thought she would. One of her colleagues had been stabbed- one of her most vulnerable ones.

"Right…er…" Cal stammered. Twice in less than two months Ethan had been in RECUS. God knows what this'll do to his confidence. Cal couldn't lose him. He'd nearly lost him once.

"Cal, stand back, let us treat him." Zoe ushered him away from Ethan. Cal watched on at his helpless brother, feeling helpless himself. Zoe slipped an oxygen mask on him, and Lofty measured his vitals.

"Ethan, Ethan can you hear me?" Zoe spoke softly. Ethan gave the slightest of nods. "Do you feel dizzy at all?" Ethan nodded again, using all the energy he could muster.

"Pulse is rising." Lofty stated. Without warning, Ethan's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his eye lids closed. The machine next to him started beeping rapidly. Cal knew this was far from good, as he watched on at his dying kid brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story did take a turn for the worst, and I never really expected any of this to happen...but it did! This story ends very soon...
> 
> (DON'T READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED Casualty Series 29 Episode 26: The Road Not Taken) On the note of this week's Casualty episode, what did you think of it? Personally, I think it was good that everyone survived in the end. Cal almost cried, Zoe had 3 chances...bit weird, and Maggie made a special appearance! Pity Connie, Lily, Dylan and Ethan weren't in it.
> 
> Please review and maybe tell me what you think will happen next in Damaged Goods?!


	19. Chapter 19

" _Pulse is rising." Lofty stated. Without warning, Ethan's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his eye lids closed. The machine next to him started beeping rapidly. Cal knew this was far from good, as he watched on at his dying kid brother._

"He's in shock!" Zoe sounded panicked. What was worse is that this was Ethan. They were treating Ethan while his brother looked on, tears trickling down his cheeks. "Right, cross-match 6 units of O Neg. Quickly!"

"Resp rate rising. Zoe, this isn't good." Lofty muttered. Zoe gave him a reassuring smile while attempting to cut him free of his scrubs to assess the full extent of the stab wound which was bleeding out.

"Looks like the person who did this nicked an artery. We need to tie it up." Lofty looked at her like she was crazy. "Hang on- look at this." Zoe pointed to his chest just above the wound. There was severe bruising shown through his blood stained chest. "Right, we'll sort that out after. We need a portable chest x-ray, and we need to stop this bleeding." She shouted.

* * *

After a couple of minutes, Ethan was still unconscious and in shock. Everyone in the department knew what had happened, and everyone knew that if the bleeding wasn't stopped then Ethan would die. Cal stood watching Zoe, Connie and Lofty as they started to stop the bleeding.

"Right, suction, Lofty. I can see it."

"Carefully does it, Zoe."

"Right…" What felt like hours for Cal was only seconds in real life as Zoe tied the artery and stopped the severe bleeding and Ethan was stitched up in a matter of minutes, and Connie walked off to deal with another patient.

"Thank you. Oh thank you." Cal said to a very relieved Zoe.

* * *

10 minutes later, Ethan's eyes slowly fluttered open. His pulse was still high; his Resp rate was as well. Something wasn't right, and Zoe was starting to wonder if she'd missed something.

"Cal…" Ethan breathed. Cal walked to his side, and put his face in view. Ethan raised his weak and trembling hand as he tried to remove the oxygen mask. He was met with resistance that he couldn't fight.

"Ethan. Leave it on, it's helping you." Cal tried to reassure his brother, but Ethan was back where he was a month ago. Lying in a hospital bed. Ethan tried to get his hands free of Zoe's grip, with no success. "Ethan, please, just relax." Ethan stopped trying, but continued trying to speak to his older brother.

"Cal…chest…tight…hurts…help…" He couldn't string two words together- his breathlessness was starting to worry Cal, and he immediately stepped into doctor mode, grabbing his stethoscope and placing it to Ethan's chest.

"Cal, you can't treat him- he's your brother." Zoe tried to stop him- but it was no use.

"Zoe, listen to the right side of his chest, look at his stats." He spoke desperately. Cal hoped she would see what he saw.

"Decreased breath sounds, he said his chest is tight, rapid heart rate, shortness of breath…Ethan, can you try and cough for me?" Ethan struggled, but managed to do just that, hissing from the pain it caused. "Right, can I have another look at that chest x-ray please, Lofty?" Zoe asked. She saw it, it was as Cal suspected. "Right, Cal, he's your brother, I can't let you do this. I'm getting Ash." Cal seemed to accept it, as he watched on at Ethan, in pain. Ethan grabbed Cal's hand as tight as he could, and Cal squeezed it back.

"You're going to be okay, kiddo!" Cal didn't know if he was reassuring Ethan or himself, but it seemed to help both brothers.

"He will be okay, Cal." Lofty spoke to him. Cal nodded and stood back as Ash walked into the room- followed by Robyn, Lily and Charlie. Their other colleagues were waiting patiently outside RECUS, waiting for Ethan to pull through his detreating condition. Even Dixie and Iain had stayed to see what was happening to Ethan.

"Right, what have we got Zoe?" Ash asked a very worried looking Zoe, as Cal stood back to stand with Robyn.

"No…Cal…Do…Don't…Lea…Leave…me…" A single tear rolled down Ethan's cheek. Cal strode up to his brother.

"I'm not going anywhere Ethan. I promise. Just let Zoe, Ash and Lofty do what they need to do? Okay?"

"Cal…tell…Dixie…I'm…sor…sorry…" His breath ran out, and Robyn looked at Cal and he looked back, exchanging worried glances.

"I will, Ethan." Cal didn't have the energy to contradict Ethan. "Ethan, I will be here, you just won't be able to see me, okay?"

"No…don't…lea…leave…" Ethan's breathing was getting worse by the second. "Pl… Plea… Plea… Please… C… C… Cal…"

As his colleagues looked on, they all hated seeing Ethan so helpless and scared, and wanting his brother so much. They really loved each other at heart.

"Cal, we need to do this, now." Zoe persisted.

"Ethan, I'll just be over here, okay? Please, just calm down." Cal reassured him. It wasn't working.

"No… C… Cal… I'm… Sc…Scar…Scared…" Ethan went on. Cal looked over at his colleagues, and the machines Ethan was attached to were beeping faster. Ethan's heart rate was rising fast. Cal didn't know what to do. Charlie came over to him, and whispered something in his ear. Cal's face brightened up.

"Ethan, be brave for Jeff. You were worried because you never got to say thank you. Show him your thanks by being brave." Cal suggested. Ethan gave a slight nod. Cal attempt to calm him down was too late. He was worsening by the second before his eyes rolled back and his eye lids shut. He was dangerously ill. "Thanks Charlie." Cal stood back, and watched on, like the rest of his colleagues, Lily held his hand tight.

"What are we dealing with Zoe? You haven't actually told me yet." Ash mentioned.

"Ethan's got a pneumothorax."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff-hanger time! Every inch of this medical knowledge is from NHS websites, and I have tried to make it as accurate as possible, so sorry if there are a lot of mistakes medically! Yes, you can die from having a pneumothorax, you'll just have to wait and see whether Ethan will.
> 
> Thoughts on this chapter?


	20. Chapter 20

" _Ethan's got a pneumothorax."_

Ash looked up at Zoe, then back down at the unconscious Ethan. This was serious.

"Can you hurry up, please?" Lily insisted. Zoe and Ash gave sharp nods as they raised Ethan up slightly, and put his arm above his head, ready to insert a chest tube, as Lofty watched Ethan's stats.

Ethan's skin was cleaned at the site that they had agreed on. Ash made a 1 inch cut on Ethan's skin between his ribs as Cal winced at the site of his litter brother having a chest tube. Lily noticed this worry, and squeezed his hand tighter- by way of reassuring him. His other colleagues watching on. A tube was inserted into Ethan's skin as Ash guided it to the right place. Ash then connected the tube to a canister, and suction helped the fluid drain from Ethan- hopefully releasing the pressure on Ethan's lung.

The portable x-ray showed the chest tube was in the right place, and Ethan was going to get better. Cal breathed a huge sigh of relief, as did his colleagues. They all left to go about their daily business, and Cal took a seat by Ethan's side, waiting for him to wake up.

* * *

A few minutes later, Cal was talking to Zoe, and he heard his name being faintly called. Ethan was awake.

"Cal?" He whispered. He went to shift in his bed, causing him to groan from the pain.

"Hey, hey…it's okay, just don't move, okay?" Cal comforted his younger brother while Zoe walked out of RECUS, after checking Ethan's stats.

"I was so scared Cal." He admitted. "I thought it was just a scratch. What happened?"

"Er…well…it was a little bit more serious than a scratch!" Cal jested, making Ethan smile. "You went into shock- it was scary. The guy who stabbed you- he hasn't been found- but he nicked an artery and Zoe tied it off in here. Then what?...Oh yeah, you woke up, and turns out that the bruises were a little more serious- you had a pneumothorax- hence the chest tube. But, luckily, you're on the road to recovery." Ethan looked away. None of this would've happened if he hadn't attended the crash site earlier.

"Cal…" Ethan started. "The crash site freaked me out, you were right, I wasn't ready." He mumbled.

"It doesn't matter, Ethan, that's in the past." Cal consoled him.

"But, it isn't though, is it? Jeff died because I crashed that day. If I had been more alert on the road, then we wouldn't have crashed." Ethan insisted.

"Ethan. What happened that day was tragic, but it wasn't caused by you. You can't go blaming yourself for this- you weren't to know Jeff would have died. He did die- but he chose to risk his life."

"Yes, but he wouldn't have died if I didn't crash!" He fretted.

"Well, if you didn't crash, Jeff might have died a week later, in another incident. You can't change what's done, but Jeff died happy and doing what he loved, Ethan." Cal explained.

"Okay." He concluded. "I crashed the van, and some part of me will always think it's my fault that Jeff's dead, but I'll forget that part- and focus on Jeff's life." He smiled up at his brother- finally glad he had gotten rid of some of the guilt that he felt.

"Hey, look on the bright side of today!" Cal giggled. "You got in a speeding ambulance- and it didn't faze you one bit."

"I was a bit too focused on trying not to pass out!" He laughed. It was a genuine laugh- one Cal hadn't heard since the car accident.

Zoe walked out of RECUS just after Ethan had woken up, ready to inform her colleagues.

"How is he?" Robyn inquired.

"He's just woken up. He's weak, but he should make a full recovery. Cal's just talking to him now." She beamed. The ED shared smiles and a couple of high fives between the younger nurses.

Cal was also happy in the knowledge that Ethan was finally going to be happier again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you throw a book at me or something, those of you who are familiar with some of my other stories will probably know that my endings are always rubbish. But, this is probably the worst ending I have ever written. And, that's saying something. So, please, go easy on me. I hate ending stories, but it has to be done, and my endings are never ever good so please forgive me?!
> 
> You know, there's nothing like a death experience to awaken the senses...
> 
> As you have probably gathered, this story has ended now. I have other stories I am in the progress of writing, but my writer's block has returned and I can't get past a couple of chapters on any of them.
> 
> Thank you for everyone who favourited, followed, and reviewed, it kept me posting this!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of this story?
> 
> ETWentHome is now gone!


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